I was watching one of my favorite business make over shows “Bar Rescue,” when I noticed two women owners had the same reaction to bar consultant Jon Taffer when he approached them about confronting men in their business who were inept general managers literally costing them a lot of money through their unprofessional behavior: Tears and pleas to give them another chance. It got me thinking “Is it true that we as women are so insecure about our boss lady roles that we still default to men in poor business situations who are doing more harm than good?” This of course rides on the heels of a current hot topic that women are making less not because a discrepancy in pay due to gender, but a discrepancy in their own confidence. It was at this point that I realized perhaps it is not one or the other creating this glass ceiling, but a gray area that combines the two.
While the government battles through the politics such as “Equal Pay Day,” marked by President Obama holding a White House event to sign executive orders aimed at providing more transparency about what federal contractors pay their workers, Senate Democrats held a vote on the Paycheck Fairness Act which failed in a vote that largely fell along partisan lines — the third time that’s happened.
Then we began to hear the rebuttals that said this had nothing to do with women not receiving equal pay, but women just not being as good of negotiators as men. Next thing you now, articles fly about the crisis of the “Confidence Gap,” the title of an article by Katty Kay and Claire Shipman of ABC and BBC. In this article they point out that while we as women are half of the work force and holding more college degrees, we still doubt our success or contribute our success to “being lucky.” They tell us that yes men have their doubts but “they do not let their doubts stop them as often as women do…”
Hmmmmmm, really? Because I know quite a few guy friends that have called me up freaking out about asking for a raise.
In response, writers like Amanda Duberman of Huffington Post for Women tells us that this “confidence” conversation is not the “sliver bullet to shatter the glass ceiling.” She lets us know that while it holds true, there is in fact a very real pay disparity happening between men and women that also must be acknowledged.
Duberman goes on to say sure there are the qualitative factors that do hold us back as women such as believing that we are not deserving of promotions, that often we predict to do worse on tests and projects, and a “perfectionism that paralyzes womens’ ambitions,” but there are also very real solid gender bias issues at work. Some of these include lack of support for child care (including maternity leave), less opportunities higher up up on the ladder due to gender bias, and yes a definite difference in pay. As Duberman reminds us, gender inequality is not a mental health issue.
So what do we do my fellow boss ladies? Because it appears to me that both arguments hold true. In fact, to me it seems that both positions feed off of each other; the internal affecting the external and the external affecting the internal. Lets stop theorizing and get to practical things that we can do to leave us feeling empowered instead of defective.
One such article that offers practical advice is from Elizabeth Plank entitled “It’s not the ‘Confidence Gap’ – Here’s What’s Really Holding Women Back.” In this article she offers things that we can do in the here and now to help us break through some of the external dynamics that prevent us from getting ahead. Some of them are: Fight for institution paid maternity leave (fitting with the approach of Mother’s Day which I will cover later), value the leadership qualities we already have (most of the time high male ego gets in the way of leadership, while women’s collaborative efforts create a way for better leadership), fight to increase minimum wage (and here I encourage you to fight for your OWN raise of pay to start to make that difference), and finally support PATERNITY leave so that we can aid men in choosing the home over the office thereby helping to change the culture.
“But guuuuurl what if I AM struggling with confidence and its along side or beyond that political shmolitical crapity crap! What THEN?!?!” Don’t worry girlfriends- I got you.
- Make a list of all you have accomplished despite the odds: I love this exercise I got once from a therapist called “My lady” where you talk about yourself in the third person and do a timeline of your struggles and accomplishments. By approaching yourself from a third person perspective you begin to see yourself with more compassion and can become an even better cheerleader.
- Use your voice: Speak up as needed. Are you not feeling appreciated at your job? Are you maybe deferring to a coworker who you feel is a little more “competent” than you? STOP. Don’t complain about your ideas and need not being heard, MAKE them heard.
- Keep a list of those positive messages that can support you for every negative message that we must combat. Be like a duck in water and let them roll off of you. As I said in my last article “Wonder Woman Syndrome,” make sure to have a feel good arsenal that can be there for those days you feel like that confident you is having an issue showing up. VALIDATE YOURSELF.
So while the debate continues, so do our every day professional lives. Remember that it is not a black and white issue, and remember that the internal and external situations are often feeding off of one another. This does not need to leave us disempowered or helpless, however. The bottom line is sometimes you have to break out of your comfort zone to not just get through that glass ceiling but blow torch those broken pieces to create a beautiful glass menagerie of YOU.