Overcoming The “B*tch” Stigma: Stepping Into Our Voice; Stepping Into Our SELVES

I love the show “Tabitha’s Salon Take Over.” A show where one boss lady walks into your salon and lets you know exactly what you have been doing (or NOT been doing) that has aided in the destruction of your salon or business. I love the show because in more than one episode she has been called the infamous word: B*tch. Does it phase her? HELL NO. She goes onto revamp these business in dramatic ways where not only the business is successful, but the employees are better people because of the process.

You have heard it before “She’s such a b*tch.” Many times from men who are not used to assertive females, and sometimes from women who have yet to step into their own power. We have also seen it played out in media as women who speak up for themselves are labeled this derogatory, shame-filled word when they decide to speak their minds. In fact, we could say the exact SAME THING a man could say and still be vilified and considered “crazy” because of this word. This word/phrase is often used to control us, make us more docile, force us to not speak up. The mental, physical, and spiritual effects are devastating.

With a history of women being paralleled with children, there is still an unspoken rule that we should be “seen and not heard.” We are expected many times to be docile, “peaceful,” and overly forgiving. Because of this, we often allow things to become so pent up inside that soon the stress causes everything from nervous breakdowns to high blood pressure to depression and anxiety disorders.

We can start out feeling confident in our accusations, assertions, and assessments and this one phrase can disarm us. This one phrase can throw us into a frenzy of insecurity, anger, and shame. Suddenly our confidence is shaken and we are now questioning a situation that we once knew that we were in the right– but suddenly we are treated SO WRONG.

This could come from a number of areas: Work, family, partners, friends, etc. It can hit you at anytime and anywhere. In order to combat this we have to first recognize this for what it is: a tactic to keep your voice unheard and to stop you from taking power. To stop this epidemic we can start by doing the following:

1. Recognize the tactic: Understand what is happening– whether it is this demeaning phrase or another. Awareness brings grounding and clarity.
2. Address It: Simply calling someone on it can stop the insanity of it, as well as ground us in our power. It also protects someone else from going through the same.
3. Prepare yourself: If you are dealing with a situation where this has been an issue, then prepare yourself before you walk into any possibly highly charged situations: Meetings, in depth conversations about issues, times where you have to share your ideas or opinions. Write down how you will handle them should this phrase or attitude come up.
4. Reassure Yourself: That feeling is not imaginary. If it is there, chances are that something is up and it needs to be handled accordingly. You are not just a “Crazy B*tch.”
5. Flip The Script: You are not a derogatory term– you are a strong assertive woman with quality ideas and capabilities that deserve to be heard and recognized.
6. Be Patient: When I first started speaking up I may have been aggressive but my therapist let me know that it is only natural after not doing it for so long. You often have to go to the other extreme before you find balance. It takes practice. Preparing yourself for situations can help. Even if you have to write out a general “script” for handling these difficult situations.

When you start to understand this culture that has been created, then you can begin to change it. Remember, this is not only about us but also about all the future generations of young women that need to know that it is not only ok to have your voice heard but it is absolutely necessary.

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